A new parody from a new Canadian

I received this parody from Scott Horne on 16 June. The original can be viewed here (see below), about three-quarters of the way down (Song 49, “THE CASE OF CONSCIENCE”). There was some discussion about whether it should be published, but we finally decided to go ahead with it. I’s a bit adult in its content, and—alas!—the events described in the last two stanzas remain in the realm of wishful thinking. But I live in hope that one day there really will be “Justice for Vadney”!

By way of explanation, readers are reminded that the Vadney has been promising since 23 December 2007 to post the depositions from his monumentally unsuccessful defamation suit against his neighbours. Of course, he has not kept his word; I can only conclude that his cosmetic enhancements are taking longer than he anticipated. For the enjoyment of the parody, you need to know that, in those depositions, one of the defendants revealed certain incidents involving the Vadney. One involved a barbecue at which he apparently thought his partner was rather too slow at bringing the chairs, and urged him to hurry up, with the threat “I’ll stick my big red dick up your ass!” Another incident involved his refusing, in a restaurant, to sit next to a black couple, referring to them as “niggers”. Given this propensity to racist abuse, it is perhaps not surprising that he is also reported, in the depositions, as having used the word “spics”.

Telt Hoo-Auld, wha’s nathing but trouble,
Tae his pairtner, when lawn chairs were sparse:
“Bring thae damn chairs oot here on the double,
Or get ma big red dick up yer erse!”

The judge Farrell he saucht tae replace
An his ain brand o “juistice” enforce:
Ilka “nigger” an “spic” he’d disgrace,
Sticking a big red dick up thir erse.

Sae he ran his election campaign,
But the numbers could hairdly be worse:
Six-an-ten votes in aa, plus the ane
Wha gets his big red dick up the erse.

He tuik aa his nechbours tae court;
’Twas a monstrous juridical farce.
Ane defender his words did report:
“Get ma big red dick up yer erse!”

Hoo-Auld ranted an rav’d fower days
In cant nae grammarian could parse.
The dismissal o his hopeless case
Stung like a big red dick up his erse.

By an by the same court did arraign
Him on charges of contempt and worse:
Fraud, harassment, an—ay—his refrain:
“Get ma big red dick up yer erse!”

In gaol fast confin’d frae the court,
Sune the prison-bitch fand it most harsh
Tae be the butt-end o thir sport,
Taking big red dicks up his erse.

FOOTNOTE:

The title page of the collection describes it as follows:

THE MERRY MUSES

OF

CALEDONIA;

A Collection of

FAVOURITE SCOTS SONGS

Ancient and Modern

Selected for Use of the

CROCHALLAN FENCIBLES

by

ROBERT BURNS